Live Stoner Chat Joke or Quote of the Day

[Renaissance Redneck]

I like jokes.
I like quotes.
Jokes and quotes? Redneck Acid!
I only ask two things, Brothers and Sisters (well maybe three):
#1) Keep it worthy. All jokes and quotes must meet AFN standards. Nothing hateful or hurtful to ANYONE!!
#2) DUDE, FORGO the RUDE. We're beyond dead baby jokes. Substitute cats or fur seals if you must be vulgar.
#3) (Yep, I knew there'd be three!), give credit when possible to the author. Not only the right thing to do, but it helps during searches.
So I'll kick it off, with both a Joke AND a quote:
JOKE
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
QUOTE
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. -Steven Wright
Happy Joking!

 

[epenguin]

Just for the record. Anti penguin jokes are fine by me. And I'm sure anti chicken joke are fine by RR. As per my Caption competitions, I am not cool with racist jokes and by default I would steer clear of religion. Other than that, make us laugh.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.

"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

 

[Renaissance Redneck]

Just for the record. Anti penguin jokes are fine by me. And I'm sure anti chicken joke are fine by RR. As per my Caption competitions, I am not cool with racist jokes and by default I would steer clear of religion. Other than that, make us laugh.

You do realize that I'm now obligated to find penguin jokes? :smoking:

 

[Renaissance Redneck]

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practising.

 

[Renaissance Redneck]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." -Comedy Central

 

[Renaissance Redneck]

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

 

[Dark Matter]

Why is it when you tell someone there are billions of stars in the sky they,believe you, but why when you tell them the paints,wet, they have to touch it?

 

[epenguin]

SS, that is so true. It is like the button that says DON'T PRESS, you have to. You just have to.

I thought my nose was bleeding. But It'snot.

I saw a small boy shouting "I don't know how old I am. Three or Four ???! I said "What do you know about sex? "
"Nothing" he said.
"Your Three ! I said.......

eP.

 

[Renaissance Redneck]

 

[Ronin]