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Gather around, gather around. Papa Hobbes is going to tell you all the REAL story of the Night Before Christmas. The version many of you are probably familiar with but never got the details quite right. Well. ALLOW me!
*ahem*
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the site
Few creatures were stirring, a day of peace and no fights!
The stockings were full of buds drying with care
In hopes the fruit of a good harvest would soon be there!
The boys were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of ladies in lingerie danced in their heads!
My wife in her nighty and I with no pants
Settled our butts in bed to romance!
When out of my grow room there rose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!
Away to the tent I tripped on the stairs
Unzipped the zippers and what was in there?
Flowering plants that looked like they were covered in snow
Gave way to the sound of heavy breathing and panting below!
And what, what to my wondering eye appeared?
A small crew of elves, all drinking beer!
The smell of booze and berries flood my nose quick
I knew in a moment they must belong to St Nick!
The elves were unruly and belched with no shame
Then I heard a whistle, a shout, and someone call them by name!
"Now pop! Now, Yoda! Now, Mossy and Blue!
On, Tang! On, Muddy! On Waira and Truu!
To the top of the colas! From the big to the small!
Now trim away! Chop away! Cut away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild frenzy fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, they stopped to get high!
So up to the house-top out of the window they flew,
With the bag full of my herb, and St Nicholas too!
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The jackasses were DANCING! Of their crime they were aloof!
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, akin to a pimp
Clothes were all tarnished and manhood was limp.
My bundle of herb he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a dealer, just opening his sack.
His eyes-oh so glossy! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, from eating vodka-soaked cherries!
He drooled from his mouth while he eyed my presents topped with bows;
I was sure had had signed his name in my yard, yellow in the snow.
The stump of a pipe lead to lips curled in scorn,
The smoke encircled his head, like two giant horns.
He had a broad face and a gigantic, round gut
The prize for living a life full of liquor, booze and smut
He was chubby and plump, would take up two seats on a plane,
He groaned and he creaked as he walked, fraught with joint pain.
A sly wink of his eye and his pants he quick shed,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He started opening my presents, giving his privates a jerk.
On came my flashlight and the spotlight gave scare
I shouted to the pervert, "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
Startled, he stopped, one hand on his hose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to the roof, down a ladder he scrambled
To a get-away car did he drunkenly amble!
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
...
...
...
Happy Holidays AFN. Love you guys.
*ahem*
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the site
Few creatures were stirring, a day of peace and no fights!
The stockings were full of buds drying with care
In hopes the fruit of a good harvest would soon be there!
The boys were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of ladies in lingerie danced in their heads!
My wife in her nighty and I with no pants
Settled our butts in bed to romance!
When out of my grow room there rose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!
Away to the tent I tripped on the stairs
Unzipped the zippers and what was in there?
Flowering plants that looked like they were covered in snow
Gave way to the sound of heavy breathing and panting below!
And what, what to my wondering eye appeared?
A small crew of elves, all drinking beer!
The smell of booze and berries flood my nose quick
I knew in a moment they must belong to St Nick!
The elves were unruly and belched with no shame
Then I heard a whistle, a shout, and someone call them by name!
"Now pop! Now, Yoda! Now, Mossy and Blue!
On, Tang! On, Muddy! On Waira and Truu!
To the top of the colas! From the big to the small!
Now trim away! Chop away! Cut away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild frenzy fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, they stopped to get high!
So up to the house-top out of the window they flew,
With the bag full of my herb, and St Nicholas too!
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The jackasses were DANCING! Of their crime they were aloof!
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, akin to a pimp
Clothes were all tarnished and manhood was limp.
My bundle of herb he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a dealer, just opening his sack.
His eyes-oh so glossy! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, from eating vodka-soaked cherries!
He drooled from his mouth while he eyed my presents topped with bows;
I was sure had had signed his name in my yard, yellow in the snow.
The stump of a pipe lead to lips curled in scorn,
The smoke encircled his head, like two giant horns.
He had a broad face and a gigantic, round gut
The prize for living a life full of liquor, booze and smut
He was chubby and plump, would take up two seats on a plane,
He groaned and he creaked as he walked, fraught with joint pain.
A sly wink of his eye and his pants he quick shed,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He started opening my presents, giving his privates a jerk.
On came my flashlight and the spotlight gave scare
I shouted to the pervert, "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
Startled, he stopped, one hand on his hose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to the roof, down a ladder he scrambled
To a get-away car did he drunkenly amble!
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
...
...
...
Happy Holidays AFN. Love you guys.
and a Gold Star "AFN Star Rating"
